Rather Be
by Oliviet
Summary: "So when she sees his shirt haphazardly tossed over the chair, she can't stop herself from picking it up and inhaling his scent. She misses the smell of him on their sheets, on her clothes, on her skin. Her eyes start to water at the thought and she stuffs the shirt into her bag to wrap herself up in later." Post-ep for 8x05


She misses him. Doesn't know how much longer she'll be able to keep up the act that she doesn't. She'd already slipped and called him babe today. And held on a little too long when she had hugged him out of relief that he was okay. She hadn't wanted to let go. She's always felt safest in the circle of his arms.

She aches for him too. Misses the physicality of their relationship. From the little touches to the late night romps when they're more consumed with each other than sleep.

So when she sees his shirt haphazardly tossed over the chair, she can't stop herself from picking it up and inhaling his scent. She misses the smell of him on their sheets, on her clothes, on her skin. Her eyes start to water at the thought and she stuffs the shirt into her bag to wrap herself up in later.

She's all too familiar with using his clothes for comfort. Most of his shirts had ended up at her place during the summer he went missing. She nearly chokes on a sob at the thought. Why is she putting herself through this again? Why is she putting _them_ through this?

 _You can't let them get to him again. You're doing this to keep him safe._

Kate wipes at her eyes and pulls her ratty NYPD T-shirt out of her bag. Castle loves her in this shirt and she's never completely understood why. But she leaves it on the bed for him because she knows he's probably missing her scent just as much as she is his.

She turns to leave before her emotions get the better of her, when she hears a key in the lock of the front door. He's not supposed to be home yet. If he sees her crying like this, he's going to make her talk, inadvertently putting his life in danger.

She really isn't thinking when she ducks into the bathroom at the sound of his footsteps. Because now she's trapped.

 _Brilliant, Kate. How the hell did you manage to pass the Captain's Exam?_

Castle comes into the bedroom and she watches him as he spots her T-Shirt on the bed. He's instantly drawn to it, picking it up and holding it to his nose. It breaks her heart that she's doing this to him, no matter how well intentioned it is. She hopes that he can find it within himself to forgive her when this is all over. That they are as strong as she thinks they are; strong enough to survive anything.

He lays the shirt down on the bed and starts to head in the direction of her hiding place. She can feel her embarrassment coloring her cheeks already.

"Kate?"

Her eyes soften in apology as her mouth drops open to try and develop an explanation. "I was just -"

"Hiding in the bathroom?" he asks, the look on his face a mixture of confusion and amusement.

"I um - panicked."

Castle bursts out laughing, moving aside to let her back out into the bedroom. "Do I suddenly make you nervous?"

She shakes her head, stepping back out into the light. His demeanor changes instantly, clearly noticing her tear-stained cheeks. He falters, like he wants to reach for her to comfort her, but doesn't quite know what new boundaries exist during this separation. But she gives in to it; dropping her bag on the floor and reaching for him. He pulls her in tight to his chest and she can't remember the last time he held her with such need. She clings back with just as much need, her hands fisting into his shirt and her face buried against his neck.

"I miss you," Kate whispers against his skin.

The small gesture brings back too many memories of whispered words against skin, soft I love yous and hushed stay with mes. It starts to feel like they've been apart for much longer than they actually have. And suddenly it's all too much. The dam breaks and she starts openly sobbing against him. He only pulls her closer, guiding her over to the bed so they can sit.

"I'm here," he murmurs into her hair. "I'm right here."

Castle doesn't push for an explanation. He simply holds her until she pulls herself together and calms down. He rubs at her back in a soothing gesture, telling her over and over that everything is going to be okay. This is why she loves him. This is why she has to protect him at all costs.

Kate rubs at her eyes, reluctant to let go of him.

"Sorry," she says softly. "And thank you."

"I'm always going to be here for you, Kate. You know that, right?"

She nods, finally pulling away and pushing a hand through her hair. "I came to pick up my things, and I think I just got a little...overwhelmed."

"I could be wrong, but it seems a little like you're torturing yourself by doing this. Which to me means you'd rather still be here."

Of course she would. The number of times she's wished that they could just stay alone in this room...

"You don't seem like you need time, Kate. Or space."

She doesn't. She just needs him. And she needs him alive.

"I trusted you when you disappeared right before our wedding. And I'm asking you to trust me now."

"But why do you have to do - whatever this is - alone?" Castle asks, skimming a hand up her arm. "Partners in crime and in life, remember?"

Oh god, he's not really bringing their vows into this is he? The man has always been excellent at guilt trips.

"I'm still your partner," she tries weakly. "Maybe not at work anymore, but in life I'm 100 percent yours."

"Then why doesn't it feel that way? Why aren't you home?"

She looks around their bedroom, wanting nothing more than to curl back into his side and never leave. "I would be if I could, but I can't."

"What does that even mean?"

She drags her gaze back up to his, shifting her position on the bed so she can cup his face in her hands. He must have shaved this morning, she notes to herself, as her thumbs rub over the smooth skin of his cheeks.

"If they come looking for me and find you in my place, they will hurt you to get to me."

He crinkles his eyebrows together in confusion. "They? Who are they? What's going on here?"

Kate shakes her head, her hands slipping from his face to grab at the lapels of his shirt. "I know you, Castle. And if I tell you what's going on, even if I tell you to stand down, you will try and investigate on your own. And this time it's too dangerous. If you're in the dark...you're safer that way."

His hands pull her fidgeting ones away from his shirt, lacing their fingers together in the process.

"But what about you, Kate? Are you safe?"

She thought she was. The moment they caught Bracken she thought it was all over. But she'd been wrong about that. Not to mention that even when she thought she was safe, Tyson and Nieman had proved her wrong. In this line of work, with the psychos they deal with, sometimes she fears that she may never be.

"I've never been safe," she says softly. "And I only ever feel at peace when I'm with you. You're my safe place, Castle. And I'm going to fight like hell to make sure they never take that away from me."

"So these people," he starts. "Do you think they have you under constant surveillance or something?"

"Honestly? I wouldn't past them."

"Do you think there's someone watching you now?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. Why?"

He squeezes her hands, guiding her back to his side. She gives into his touch again, needing it now more than ever.

"Because if we're going to play this 'separated card' for a while, I need one more night with you."

She lifts her head off of his shoulder to look up at him. "You're trusting me on this one?

Castle reaches out and tucks a stray piece of hair back behind her ear. "I can see it all over your face that there's no place you'd rather be than right here. I know you're not doing this to hurt me. And yeah, I wish you'd let me help. But I know how stubborn you are and at the same time how fiercely protective you are. So I'll sit back and let you do whatever it is you need to do. But know that if something happens to you, if you get hurt, I'm not going to be sidelined anymore. I'm just as fiercely protective as you are."

Kate drops her head back to his shoulder. "Thank you for believing in me."

"Always."


End file.
